I Am That I Am

• I Am can mean existence, witness, knower, observer, the eternal Self, which separate from the objects or the world of existence. It is the intermediate stage of understanding and realise that the world is not what you see as it is. The world is not real but a dream state. 
• The world is like a dream, but it lasts longer, depends on your life span. It superimposes on you as the I Am. Just like the images play on a movie screen. The screen that is You, the I Am is merely a witness but not caught up or mentally involved with the worldly situations. 
• By witnessing detachedly, you understand the world is just a gigantic mental projection of everything. You observing your own shadow — God playing its game — maya. Once you realised, why  take life seriously?
• Like the teaching of neti, neti; not this, not that. Apart from you — yourself, I Am — nothing is real, including your own body. All are appearances, your own shadows.
• The impact is profound, when understand that the body is just a dream body and it does not exist. Only you, I Am — the eternal Self exists.
• The whole universe are just images, reflections from the mind — mental projections. But the humankind is so deeply hypnotised, collectively, we take the mental projections as real, and obsessed with our own projections. Like a mirage in desert, we take the refection of water from sand as real water. 
• So called human life, is also a mirage which is also our mental reflection, yet we take it as real and take everything in life so seriously. 
• As a result, we fight for our survival since birth. We struggle and suffer until we die. Because we lack the wisdom to understand that even birth and death are mental projections. The universe is mental concept.
• So we are living within this confined, delusional and limited self created dream world, continue our dream life, from birth to death, generation after generation, living like a programmed robot, deeply hypnotised. Cannot jump out of the box.
• Since everything is mind’s projection, there is no creator, so there is no cause of existence. When you have this deep and profound understanding on your own real being, then a shocking impact will lead you to ask the ultimate question: who am I? 
• The truth is that you have never been born, or died. You are what you are. You are not of this world. As long as there is mind, the world of existence follows. But you are independent. No mind no world. You are not the mind, the body, so the world. Then who am I?
• This will lead to another deep understanding of the idea of no self, egolessness because the mind creates the sense of false I — the fake I — in order to take ownership, to be individualised and therefore split from his or her true self — the I Am. 
• The ultimate reality is, actually you are nothing, eternally nothing, no beginning, no ending; you are also everything — the infinite imaginary images on the gigantic screen. The screen is your true Self. The ultimate reality which is non manifested, pure consciousness, nirvana, Tao. But no word can describe or define That. All descriptions are false and missing the mark. Neti-neti. Not this not that.

Two Bad Bricks -- By Ajahn Brahm

 “I did see those bricks. But I also saw the 998 good ones that surrounded it.” Ajahn Brahm -- the abbot of Buddhist monastery in Australia. 

Many years ago, Ajahn Brahm and his fellow monks bought land in Australia to create their monastery. The land was vast, the resources plentiful, but there were no structures or buildings. Being a group of Buddhists – and having just spent quite a lot on land – they didn’t have enough money to simply pay for the construction. In lieu of that, they had supplies donated and set to work building their new homes.

Ajahn Brahm, who had studied Theoretical Physics in college, was now put to the task of bricklaying. He was in charge of constructing walls. For those of you who have never laid brick, it is a tedious process that most people want to do perfectly. I mean, you’re building a wall – you don’t want cracks, holes, or ugly deformities.

So he would lay bricks and, if one of them went askew, he would scrape the mortar, fill in the crooked area, and adjust the problem to perfection. This was a painstaking process that took days, but at the end of his project, he looked at what he had created. Stepping back, the first thing he noticed was that there were two bricks near the center of the wall that were off-kilter. There were two bad bricks.

He tried to scrape the mortar, but it had dried. He went to the leaders of the monastery and asked if he could destroy the wall and start over. “Do we have a bulldozer? Dynamite?” But they simply said there was not enough money and he would have to leave the wall is it was.  This tormented Ajahn Brahm. For several months, he dwelled on the fact that the ugliest wall in the monastery was the one that he had built. If people came to the grounds for a tour, he often volunteered to lead them – just so he could skip going past that wall!

One day, though, he saw a group coming back from a tour with another monk. One of the visitors raved about the quaintness of the buildings and made a comment about a singular wall that he particularly adored. Naturally, it was Ajahn Brahm’s. The monk looked at the guest and said, “Are you serious? Are you blind? What are you talking about? Couldn’t you see the two bad bricks?”

What the man said next puts the inherent nature of depression and obsession into perspective.  He said, “I did see those bricks. But I also saw the 998 good ones that surrounded it.”

Too often in life, we focus on the two bad bricks instead of looking at the many wonderful things around us. It’s incredible when you focus on the tiny faulty parts in our life, and forget about the many fantastic things, the wholeness of our life. We focus on the one or two bad bricks and conclude that our life must be miserable.

This is absurd! When put into proper perspective, our problems are all, in some way, temporary. There is nothing so consuming – even our own illnesses! – that we cannot appreciate the “good” we have. I once heard someone say, “If you are alive, then more is right with you than wrong.” Think about that – it’s true.

Years later, when Ajahn Brahm told this story to an audience, a man came to him afterward and said, “Don’t worry, I do construction and make mistakes all the time. Only in my line of work, when we screw up, we just call it a ‘feature’ and let people know it costs more!”

So from now on, when things go badly in your life, try to think of them as “features,” things that make you more valuable. And don’t forget to pay attention to all of the parts of your body that don’t have cancer, all of the people in your life who do love you, and all of the things you can experience now that don’t cost money. Because they far outweigh the two bad bricks.

The moral of the story is about how the ego used to be our fault finder in life. It Always looks for the negative side of life.  Life can never be perfect anyway, it is a coin of two sides. Rather than indulge with the negativity of life, which make us suffer as well as others, why not just simply enjoy the other bright side of life. Isn't this a win-win situation? Relaxed, don't take life so serious, be happy!

Next time be mindful of life situation! Don't be misled by the  cunning and tricky little ego! When ignorance overwhelms you, the ego is your very intimate enemy within. Be careful! 

This story, told by Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm

This Is Your Dharma

There was once a holy man sitting under a tree meditating. He had his hands open and a female mouse fell into his hands. A bird had apparently dropped the mouse. He felt sorry for the little mouse and because he was a great siddhi, a being of great powers from his years of meditation, he turned the mouse into a lovely young girl, and took the girl home to his house. His wife was enthralled with this. She was unable to have children, and she was so happy to have this little girl. They both loved her very much, and brought her up to be a fine young lady.

One day the wife said to the husband, "Husband it's time for our daughter to get married. Where can we find a suitable husband for her?" And the holy man said, I know, I'll ask the sun. So he went outside and he called the sun and he said, "Mr. Sun, our daughter is of the marrying age and we're looking for a suitable husband. Can you help us?" The sun said, "Certainly, I will marry her myself." How would you like to get married to the sun? The husband was thrilled and he said, Oh great joy has come over me that the sun would pick my daughter to be married to. And he ran in and he told his wife and he told his daughter. And the daughter said, "No Dad, I don't want to marry the sun. There's too much light, I'll be burned. Find me a different husband."

So the holy man went outside, he spoke to the sun again, he said, "Mr. Sun, our daughter does not wish to marry you because she will be burned with your light. Can you think of anyone else more powerful than you, that can marry her?" So the sun thought about it, and then he said, "Ask Mr. Cloud. The cloud will give you an answer. The cloud is mightier than I am because many times the clouds hide me, and I do not appear, and I can do nothing about it. So the cloud is mightier than I am. Ask the cloud." The holy man beseeched the cloud and said, "Mr. Cloud, I have a daughter that is of the marrying age and I'm looking for a suitable husband for her. Can you help out? Do you know of anyone who should marry her?" And Mr. cloud said, "I will. I'll marry your daughter." And again the holy man became overjoyed with this. Imagine a cloud marrying my daughter. This was a good thing. He ran in the house, told his wife and then told his daughter. The wife and the husband were so happy, but the daughter said, "Chill out, Dad. I don't want to marry that cloud. For when it rains, I'll get soaked. Get me a better husband."

So again the holy man went out to the cloud and told him the story, what the daughter said. "Can you think of anyone else?" And the cloud said, "Well, how about Mr. Mountain? This is a great mountain here that is mightier than I am, because when I flow around the mountain, I can't go through it. I have to flow around it. And there's nothing I can do about it. So the mountain is very powerful." The holy man beseeched the mountain, "Mr. Mountain, can you think of someone that can marry my daughter?" And the mountain also said, "I will." So again the holy man was very happy about this. A mountain marrying his daughter, what could be better? He ran into the house, told the wife, she was overjoyed. And he told the daughter. Again she didn't want to marry the mountain. She said, "Come on, Dad, I can't marry this mountain. The mountain has cactus growing all over it. When we embrace, I'll be pinched with cactus. Think of someone else."

So the holy man went back to the mountain and told him the story, and said, Can you think of anybody else for my daughter? The mountain said, "Well, the only one I can think of that is more powerful than me is this little mouse that lives in the bottom of me, because he bores holes and has a nest inside of me, and I can do nothing about it. And since he bores holes in me, he must be more powerful than I am. Ask the mouse."

So the holy man went to the mouse and said, Mr. Mouse, I have a daughter of the marrying age, I'm looking for a suitable husband, can you help me?" And the mouse said, "Yes, I will marry her myself." He was overjoyed. Imagine, a mouse marrying his daughter. He ran and told his wife, and they both went and told the daughter. The daughter thought about this and she said, "Yes, I will marry the mouse. The mouse is very cute. I will marry the mouse. But father can you do something for me? Can you please turn me into a little mouse also?

So the holy man turned her into a little mouse. And they both got married and they lived happily ever after, in the mountain. Now what is the moral of this story?

This story tries to bring home the fact that your dharma is what you have to live out. If you try to change it, years will pass, and you will make all kinds of mistakes, and go through all kinds of problems. This means if you change your environment, or if you change the condition, the samskaras and the conditioning that you have inside of you will just put you back in that kind of a position with different people, different environment, because you have not risen from that condition yet. Therefore you have to experience the same things over, and over, and over, and over again.

Whatever your dharma is, has been presented to you by karma. Therefore do not fight it. Bless it.

From Robert Adams Talk -- This is your Dharma

Know Thyself Is To Hold the Attention On Itself

The ego exists say the scriptures due to non-inquiry. This non-inquiry is sustained and strengthened by ignorance. Consciousness is pure attention alone. 

When the attention is held unmoved, there is no place for ego or non-attention. To hold the attention on itself, to dissolve or transform non-attention into total attention, total consciousness, the quest, "Who Am I?" is the vital process. 

To turn one's attention on oneself is the essence of true knowledge.

Such self attention is the key to open the mystery gates of the immeasurable treasure, knowing the knower. The knower known there is none else, nothing else to be known. 

To turn one's attention from the details or activities to the source of activity is called introspection. This turning inward is the beginning of spiritual effort called sadhana. 

To remain as pure consciousness is the secret in meaning of "Know Thyself."

From Robert Adams Talk -- Beliefs And Predetermination

Mooji : Staying in the State of No Mind

PAPAJI : Wake Up From The Dream

Mooji: Fear - Bluff of the Mind

楊定一 : 讀書會 有沒有什麼東西是真實的? (No 52 of Part 2)

楊定一 : 真實，讓你自由 楊定一從《真原醫》

楊定一：放過一切、放過自己、放過別人，找回真正的大快樂

楊定一 : 讀書會 有沒有什麼東西是真實? (No.52 of Part 1)

楊定一 : 時間的陷阱

仔細想，把注意力集中在已經過去的一切，或煩惱未來的規劃，其實無法為我們帶來任何改變，最多只是增加煩惱。可惜的是，許多朋友，哪怕在修行或瑜伽的領域投入了很久，一談起過去，還是憤怒，還是失落。所有的糾結，都離不開過去。過去，就像一個墓地，我們每個人都離不開。我們都忘了，就是因為把自己投入相對，才會有那麼多煩惱和痛心。如果我們不斷回想過去，想透過頭腦找出一個解決方案，這本身已經把所有可能限縮在人間很窄的範圍內……

新書《時間的陷阱》分享

楊定一：回歸生命的真實，找回真實的「自己」

楊定一《靜坐的科學、醫學與心靈之旅》

楊定一 : 好像變了一個「我」

問：我依著楊博士教的方法，練習至今。念頭來了，念頭走了，念頭越來越少。情緒來了，情緒走了，不舒服的情緒消失地越來越快。好像有另一個「我」像旁觀者似的，看著自己和人的喜怒哀樂，不再隨之起舞，不再像以前跟著狀況打轉，而且心裡時不時會湧現一股很愉悅的感覺。我, 好喜歡這樣的自己。可是，最近腦中偶爾會有―你怎麼了？這樣是正確的嗎？一種質疑的聲音跑出來。所以我想問：這樣的狀況ＯＫ的嗎？不會是什麼人格分裂之類的問題吧？

答：你可以一路做下去，我還是要恭喜你。只要做，就對了。腦帶來一種質疑，這是正常的。你這樣想，我們從出生到現在，全部都是腦在運作，在作主。它怎麼可能會輕鬆的放棄？放棄什麼？放棄自己。它絕對會抗議，會想著各式各樣的方法來質疑。甚至，你偶爾會有噩夢，就是過去業力浮出來，而且加快浮出來，帶來對自己更多一層的質疑，或顧慮。這是難免的，都是好現象。懂了這些，最多只是往前走，不斷地往前走。會發現―走到哪裡，無所謂。對不對？就交給生命。臣服，不就是把全部自己交給生命嗎？

新書《十字路口》

楊定一 : 這就是醒覺

對我們一般人來說，生命就是一個停不下來的強迫思考。反而，要找到全部的你，要知道，這個念頭的世界只是我們整體的一小部分。並進一步要知道，在念頭前面，還有一個知覺。這個知覺是最直接、最原初的，倒不需要任何「動作」，就可以取得。只要透過這個知覺，讓一切存在。包括這個念頭的世界，也都讓它存在―這就是醒覺。最不可思議的是，這個最源頭、最根本的知覺，跟我們的感官不相關。假如沒有感官，它會透過其他的管道來傳達。它從來沒有生過，沒有死過。它本身就是存在。用人類的語言，也只能用「存在」來描述這個知覺、這個意識。只要我們輕輕鬆鬆存在，也就自然把這個意識帶回來了。

《神聖的你》卷六　更多的路標

楊定一 : 最好的禱告

最好的禱告，或最有效的祈禱，本來就是把自己交出來，完全的交出來，徹底的交出來―給生命，給自己的一體、內心、「在」、上帝、佛陀、佛性。全部交出來。同時做個感恩的功課。....... 這個祈禱好像是―用心，是心跟心在共鳴。

心，交給心。

心，完全轉出來。

是透過心，在做禱告。

而且，心不可能要求任何東西。要相信生命自然會聽到。聽到什麼？聽到我們的心。對我們的心帶來一個解答。

《插對頭.....還是接對頭？》新書分享

楊定一 : 快速的步調 缺失的注意力

現代人其實隨時處在注意力渙散的狀態。我們仔細觀察，現代資訊技術的突破，讓我們每個人都同時在在做好幾件事。無論在講話、走路、寫字、吃飯，不是看著手機，就是在搜尋資訊或用訊息軟體和別人交流。頭腦的運作，一刻都沒有停過……

儘管我們每個人都認為有點跟不上，卻又同時期待步調可不可以更快，有沒有什麼方法可以達到更高的效率。就連看電視，一個畫面上都同時有好幾條跑馬燈，就好像把一個瞬間切割成好幾個，才配得上我們對快步調的期待。這本身，自然會讓我們把無常和變化視為生活的主成分，而同時讓我們在現實中建立一個個虛構的架構，而每一個架構都彷彿有獨立的生命。

我在《真原醫》和「全部生命系列」曾經多次表達——這種快還要更快的步調，本身就是現代人最大的危機。讓我們不快樂，總是感覺到壓力或是不知哪裡來的沉重感，好像隨時背著一種負擔。這種不快樂的現象，甚至蔓延到年輕的一代，即使很年輕的孩子都有注意力缺乏和躁鬱症的問題。這種更快的步調，其實是相當近代的產物，人類演化多年來的架構沒辦法適應。畢竟，種種快步調的反應，當初只是為了生存而留下的「打或逃」本能，本來只是短期的應對。沒想到人類發展到現在，這種快步調的反應，反而變成我們隨時的常態。步調快，還不是主要的問題。問題在於，它同時帶來念頭快速的轉變，以搭配感官在世界運作所收到的資訊。透過念頭，頭腦隨時創出一個虛的現實。這些不斷在動的印象，頭腦來不及處理，本身也就不斷的帶來壓力。

我在之前的作品，也用相當多篇幅來表達——頭腦受到壓力或危機，自然轉到肉體上，帶來不安，帶來萎縮。所以，讓注意力集中而專注，是我們最需要的一堂功課。對忙碌的現代人而言，守住的感官愈多，通常愈能幫助守住注意力。

其實一般所談的「定」的功夫，都離不開時－空，更離不開感官。「定」或「專注」的功夫，是透過感官才可以運作。再說清楚一點，一般所談的「定」或專注，是透過感官的運作或「動」來捕捉資訊，而進入一個「不動」、寧靜或合一，才有「定」好談。懂了這些，自然可以把感官當作一個專注的門戶。如果我們懂得從多重感官著手，例如同時耳朵聽，加上眼睛觀想、鼻子聞、口腔的體會、皮膚的觸覺，反而更容易達到專一。重點是，不要同時產生念頭。

透過重複的朗誦，不容易產生念頭。讀經可以讓孩子接觸大聖人的觀念，而讓這些大智慧落到腦海。此外，由於讀經同時運用多重感官來集中注意力，對腦部發展的活化，有不可思議的作用。透過朗誦，其實是教孩子學會掌握耳根的聽、嘴巴的發聲、眼睛閱讀的觀、集體共振的觸覺，把注意力守住。

楊定一 : 回到「心」，就是最高、最完整的「定」

                                                                              

這個人間，是「我」投射出來的。我們一切的痛苦，也都是「我」製造出來的。只要有「我」，就自然有因－果，也自然有時－空。有了時－空，接下來有世界，有宇宙，有生命。所以，只要還有「我」，我們當然還受因－果的作用。也因為這樣子，還有一個「不動」、「在」、「一體」甚至「定」或是「法」好談的。只要「我」被看穿，我們自然會發現本來一切都安靜，根本就沒有什麼好特別叫做「定」的。本來就只有定，也就是說——一體本來就在定中。

因為一體，意思本來就是沒有二體或其他獨立的體。一體包括一切，而「定」最多只是反映它無所不知、無所不能、無所不在的功能。如此一來，沒有另外一個「不定」好談。也不用在一體頭上再加一個「定」。

這些話，可能用邏輯很難懂，甚至在腦的層面，帶來一個沒辦法解答的悖論，造出表面上的矛盾。但是，站在心的層面，這些話就能聽懂。別忘了，頭腦的邏輯和一體站在兩個不同的軌道，一個是有限，一個無限；一個相對，一個絕對。想從相對看到絕對的一體，必須站在相對、又同時跳出二元對立的邏輯範圍，這本身就是不可能的。我才會說，停留在「心」。一切，回到「心」。接下來，最多只有「心」。本身是最高、最完整的定。它本身就是定到底，沒有其他地方可以再定下去。

也因為這樣子，我才需要再重複一次——一體本來就是全在，是無所不在；全知，而無所不知；全能，而無所不能。根本沒有一個「我」，可以獨立於一體之外存在。「我」本身就含著一體，沒有地方、沒有角落不含著一體。

這一點，是我們一般用頭腦最難理解的。因為我們是站在一個局限的邏輯（finite）， 來看著無限（infinite）。透過頭腦，不可能跳脫這個局限。前面說「修行只要面對『我』」，其實，就連這句話本身都是多餘的表達。因為只有一體才真正存在，其他即使不說是虛幻，最多也只能說是不成比例，而且無常。在一體的角度來看，我們的人間只是眾多可能性中相當渺小的一個。沒想到，我們卻把所有的精神都投入在這一小點。

然而，只要把頭腦的架構挪開，不再讓它成為一個阻礙，自然會發現——一體從來沒有離開過。也就自然像陽光一樣照出來，而你我也就自然在定中。

更多內容 看《定》

Selfhood: Spirit and Personality

BY Ram Dass

There are many stages of the process of transformation.

There is a stage where you feel something in you that is behind your social facade and your social relationships to people. You feel a somebody-ness which we call a soul. You feel yourself as an entity. Then, as you get deeper into the transformative work, that thing starts to dissolve. Then there is no self, there is nobody, there is only one. So then you ask:

How do you incorporate that understanding into existence? How do you live with no continuity?

The continuity is the result of karma. 

It’s that who you were started an inertial process, that leads to you being this person. As your awareness is less attached to that person, you’re just aware of the processes going on. 

Just as I’m aware of my body aging and decaying, I’m aware of my awareness getting lighter and less attached to forms, and I’m aware of personality processes. I’m aware that when somebody 

awakens an impulse within me a reaction will also awaken, 

but I can see it almost in slow motion as just these processes going on. All I end up being is just these processes: 

there isn’t somebody there. All the form of me ends up being just these processes, and behind it all there is not somebody being aware, there is just the awareness; which is even subtler.

We keep projecting our own solidity into everybody else. So it’s very hard for me to convey to you the kind of nothingness that’s going on in here, and to say to you that you just keep delicately approaching and just playing with watching the way in which you need that reassurance of being somebody. 

Watch that need, and see that need as a phenomenon that exists in the universe, lawfully existing, then keep quieting the mind and deepening the connection to just that part of you that is just with it all, just this spacious kind of awareness.

Its called spacious awareness. It’s the sky, just the sky.

How Do We Move Beyond Our ‘Ego Software’?

Ram Dass

Much of the practice is to continually remember to extricate yourself from the identification of your awareness with your desires, fears, hopes, and thoughts. The goal is not to stay out in lala land, but to get established 

in other planes of consciousness, and then connect fully back into life. 

So that you are, as Christ said, 

“In the world, but not of the world,” 

so that you are simultaneously dancing in life as a human being and at the same moment you are 

absolutely spacious and empty. 

It’s a very interesting thing, because generally we don’t stretch our consciousness that much. We tend to move in and out of planes 

sequentially, not simultaneously, 

because it takes a certain discipline to open to the fact that we are like strudel; that we are multi-layered; that we are not a single layered entity. We underplay who we are so much, even by our language, because we tend to polarize the getting high, and the coming down. Even the word planes is ultimately a hype because it’s all one thing. What we’re really doing is, with the practices, taking our conceptual mind, and using it in order to take us beyond itself… so that we are then using our conceptual mind in a delightful way.

The ego – you can’t function without an ego here.

It’s your control room for your space suit that you’re wearing as an incarnation. You need it. It’s your software. But you aren’t software. 

Your ego is basically your software for functioning on this plane, and appreciating that. 

In order to appreciate it, you have to extricate yourself from an identification with the software, with the ego. Not because the ego is bad, but because it’s a beautifully articulated functional technique for playing.

I watch people come up to me for mala beads and sometimes they’ll say, “Good morning!” and they’re defining a certain plane of reality in that. Then I’m just sort of sitting there, and some of them don’t quite know what to do, because I say, “Hey, there’s another plane here!” It’s fun, because if you look into people’s eyes, then the rest of their face becomes like putty. They come up and say “Hi” and then you watch as this interesting thing happens. Slowly their face, the smile dissolves, and you suddenly meet back in behind the smile. “Hey, you in here? Far out! I’m here. What are you doing here?” It’s like we’re old beings hanging out. We just met through the social form, and the interesting thing of having the social forms is being able to use them and then let go of them. 

Use them and let go of them. Use them and let go of them. So you don’t get trapped in them. You don’t get trapped in the projective dance of each other’s projections of each other.

An Interview With Adyashanti -- Awakening (Excerpt)

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TS: Okay. Back to Adya in his early twenties. You're working at the bike shop.You're meditating. You're going on some retreats.

Adya: I had built a little zendo in the backyard, and I was meditating anywhere from two to four hours a day, consuming books by the hundreds, and doing a lot of writing and a lot of journaling. I was going at this spiritual thing from every angle that seemed reasonable. When I was in my early twenties, it was a different environment from what it is today. I didn't really have any peers. I didn't have anybody my age who was into this stuff. I rarely even talked about it to anybody. Most of the people that were in the practice were much older than I was, so it was very much a solitary thing for me.

TS: And at some point there was a shift of some kind?

Adya: The first shift came when I was twenty five. In my practice, I had been really pushing in a very aggressive. male way-pushing to storm the gates of enlightenment with a tremendous amount of effort and a lot of determination, because it was what I was used to. I grew up as an athlete and a competitive bike racer. And I was dyslexic. I learned to get what I needed and what I wanted by out-working everybody else. And so that's how I thought spirituality was going to work. And Zen almost fosters that. You know out-meditate everybody. Zen seems to unconsciously encourage that. And so for about six to eight months, I would be walking to work in Palo Alto, and I would be pushing myself, constantly asking, "What is this? What is this? What is this? What's true?"

I literally thought I was going to go crazy any day because I didn't think that a human being could sustain this sort of internal intensity for that long. I was fully expecting to end up in some psych ward some day, because I was literally pushing myself to some sort of psychological edge. Or being pushed.

So one day I'm sitting in my room and this well of intensity came up, and I thought, I've got to find out what's true, and I've got to find out right now. So I went into the backyard, and I sat down to meditate, and I made an incredible effort to still my mind and break through some barrier. I didn't even know what it was. And within a minute it was like I'd taken all of the effort over the last five years and stuffed it into about one minute.

All of a sudden I just realized, I can't do this. I can't do this. And as soon as I said, "I can't do this," I could feel everything relax at the same time. And, when everything relaxed there was-and this is the only way I can describe it - an inward explosion.

It was like someone plugged me into a wall socket. There was a huge inner explosion, and my heart started to beat harder and my breathing got labored and I thought I was going to die because my heart was beating faster than it had ever beat in my entire life.

Having been an athlete, I was very familiar with what my maximum heart rate felt like. And this was way, way, way beyond that. I literally thought my heart was going to burst. At some moment the thought occurred to me that whatever this energy was, it was going to kill me. l thought, l can't sustain this very long.

And the next thought I had was, if this is what it takes to find out what's true then, okay, I'm willing to die right now. It wasn’t a courageous thing or a macho thing, it was just a fact. It was: I'm willing to die. Period. That's it. And as soon as I said that to myself, and really meant it, the energy just disappeared. All of a sudden I was out in space. I just became space. All there was was space. Just infinite space. And in that space I could feel something like a download of insights, but they were happening so fast I didn’t even know what they were. It was like hundreds of insights every second. Like downloading computer program into your computer system. l felt like something was being downloaded into me so quickly that I couldn’t comprehend any of the pieces, but I could feel the popping of insights.

So I sat there being space and just having these insights downloaded into my system, and that happened for awhile, I don't know how long, for awhile. And then it stopped and, at some point it became obvious that I should get up off my cushion, l did what I always did: 

l got up and looked at the Buddha figure that I had on a little altar, and I bowed to it. And as soon as I bowed to it, I just burst out laughing. It was the most hilarious laughter I’d ever had.

The funniest thing is that I thought, "You little son of a bitch," referring to Buddha, "I've been chasing you for five years." And at that moment, I knew what it was I had been chasing. I got it. And I just couldn’t believe it. It was like, wow, I've been chasing what I already was. So I had a great laugh and walked outside. That was the first awakening.

The funny thing is that by the time I got outside, this little voice, which I've become very used to hearing from that point on, said right in the middle of this huge revelation of happiness and bliss and tremendous relief, "This isn't it. Keep going."

And I thought damn, don't I get to just groove here? Even for a moment? But that little voice still said, "This isn't it. Keep going." And I knew it was true. Somehow I knew that this voice wasn't discounting what was happening. The voice wasn't saying, "This is of no value, this isn't true, this isn't relevant. "This voice was saying,

"There's more to this. You haven't seen the whole thing. You've seen a very significant part, but keep going. Don't stop here."

But at that moment everything changed. From that moment on my spiritual seeker energy - that desperate drive-disappeared and was never to come back again. It made no sense to get all worked up trying to attain something that I already had, trying to become what I knew I already was.

TS:What would you call this experience? You had "foretastes" when you were young; this was a..?

Adya: I would call it an awakening.

TS: Okay.

Adya: But I didn't comprehend what I had awoken to. What I realized was that I was what I was seeking. I knew that:

I am what I am seeking. I am this truth. And then right away, the next question arose: What is this? I am it. I know I am it. But I don’t know what it is.

That is the part I didn't know. There was an awakening, but it wasn't complete. It was a part of the picture, may be a big part of the picture, but a next question arose almost immediately: What is this? And that became the next question for me. I continued to meditate a lot. From the exterior, I was doing everything I did before, because I knew  there was more, and meditation was my way of exploring.

But from that point on, most of what happened spiritually didn't really happen on the cushion. Most of what happened spiritually over the next five or six years was actually happening in my daily life. I was an athlete, and I had a lot of identity wrapped up in being an athlete.

So even after that awakening, even though by that time I was not racing bikes anymore, I was still riding and training as if I was a competitive bike racer. And I started to question, why am I doing this? Why am I training as if I'm a world-class athlete when I'm not? I started to see that it was about some remnant of a self-image. It was a very good self-image to have you could say, not just being physically fit, but the image that goes along with being a very high-caliber athlete.

TS: You're cool.

Adya: Yeah, you’re cool. You're sort of physically domineering. And although I didn't act domineering toward people in my daily life, athletically I certainly was domineering. Even when I started to realize that I was simply perpetuating my old self-image, for some reason I couldn't stop.

Then when I was about twenty-six years old, I developed an illness nobody could diagnose. It put me in bed for about six months. I was somewhat functional, but pretty much not functional. Just ill. Sick. One thing after another with no let up for six months.

At the end of six months, of course, there's not much of the athlete left. And it felt wonderful when the athlete had been taken out of my system, because it is hard to be the dominant athlete persona when you're weak as a kitten. And I realized, this feels great. It felt so good to be rid of that persona. It felt very liberating.

I wish I could say that was the end of the story. But a year later, when I found myself healthy again, I woke up one day and started training, not even consciously. I just started doing the whole thing all over again. I didn't realize what I was doing until I was well into it, and then I thought, I'm doing it again. And I know what it's about. It's about this self-image, this persona. And I would have liked to just let go of it when I realized what I was doing, but I wasn't ready. 

So I got another six-month illness, and this one was worse. I had a sinus infection, a lung infection, and mononucleosis. And that pretty much did it for that self-image.

Once the persona was removed by that illness, the desire to rebuild it really didn't return. To me, that is a spiritual unfolding. It’s not getting rid of your self-image through meditation... it’s just the school of hard knocks.

It's an intelligence that takes over and puts all of us through whatever we need to go through to get us to let go.

During that time, I also went through what I would call a totally ridiculous relationship, which was very unhealthy.

The relationship pulled on my unresolved shadow material. You fall in love with all of your weaknesses, and it elicits the worst from you. In my case, the relationship elicited various roles like the helper, and of course that was a total disaster.

Fortunately, it ended after awhile, but it was similar to the illnesses-it wrenched out of me all of these images, all of these personas that I had gotten used to being-a good person, a nice person, the helper, all of that stuff. It ripped them out of my system and showed me that they were false and phony, and the only reason that I wore them was because I was afraid of not wearing them. Who would I be without them?

Between those illnesses and this relationship, I was really torn apart. The falseness was torn out of me bit by bit. And when that part was done, I really felt quite free. It was quite wonderful. I was back in the emptiness and realized how to be space in a simple, human way. To just stand in the middle of a sidewalk and not feel like I had to be anybody or appear as anybody.

The desire to be seen in any particular way had been torn out of my system. And the tearing out wasn't easy and it wasn't fun, but the end result was simply fantastic. Looking back, that set me up for what I would call my "final awakening." The awakening that was totally clear came on the heels of these tearing-out experiences. Actually, it came a few months later, soon after Annie and I got married.

I was thirty-three years old, and I had just gotten married and I had gotten a real job. I'd started to be an apprentice with my father in his business, and so I was getting a real career. I was also getting out of this rut-having my life focus specifically on an inward form of spirituality-which had been my focus up until this point.

I'd put everything in my life on hold for a long time. And then at about thirty-three years old, I realized this process may not complete itself, and I better get on with my life. So I ended up getting married and getting a real job.

I see this willingness to engage with life as being a very important part of my personal spiritual progress. And a couple of months after Annie and I got married and on St. Patrick's Day, which is kind of funny because Annie comes from a totally Irish family and Irish heritage-that's when the

second awakening happened.

TS: Do you have any sense that the marriage created the stability necessary for this second awakening?

Adya: Very insightful. Yes. I can't know that for sure, but since then I've thought that there was a missing element in all of this, which was a kind of stability. Now I had a career that I could make enough money to live on, and I was married to a wonderful person.

And at this point, an insight came to me that was very vital. When I met Annie and we got married, I knew that this was more than I ever thought was possible in a relationship. I could not have ever dreamed of a relationship of this quality.

That's just the way it was, and is. And that realization played a significant role because one morning I woke up and said to myself,

"This relationship is better than I ever dreamed possible, and it's not enough."

Not like the relationship needed to be more, because it didn't need to be anything different. Although the relationship was totally satisfying, I thought;

"This has not completed me; this has not taken me to where I've always been pulled to so inside."

Knowing that was sort of shocking. You can be very happy in life, be on your way, and not really have to suffering driving you, and yet still realize that even all of this is not enough. It doesn't even touch this place inside.

So I had stability in my life, and I think it allowed a real spontaneous letting-go to happen. Because in a human sense, there was something to let go into.

TS: Can you describe what happened?

Adya: It was very simple and it actually started before it started. The night before, right before I was ready to go to sleep, I sat on the edge of the bed and had this thought. It wasn't a big thought; it wasn't a big insight. It was the simplest thing and totally out of context from what I was thinking at the moment.

But this thought ran through my mind that said: "I'm ready." I noted it; literally within five seconds I noted it. And I went to sleep, but the sense of "I'm ready" was so plain and so simple. And it wasn't my mind or my ego saying, "I'm ready, ready to storm the gates!" It was just this innocent, simple moment, like a gift. Fact. Just a thought: "I'm ready." And I thought nothing of it. it didn't gather much attention except I noticed that it was happening. So I went to sleep.

The next day, l got up early because I was going to see my teacher, and I usually got up early to do a little meditation before I went to see her.

I wasn't thinking anything in particular and I just sat down and within thirty seconds I heard a bird. Just a chirp. And a question that I'd never heard, that I'd never used in practice, came from my guts rather than from my head. A question spontaneously arose, and it said, "Who hears this sound?" And as soon as that question happened, everything turned upside down, or right side up. And in that moment, the bird, the sound, and the hearing were all one thing. 

Literally, they were experienced as exactly the same... the hearing was no more me than the sound and the bird and anything. And it was very quick, very sudden, and it was just one. And then the next thing that was noticed was some thought. It was so distant I didn't even know what the thought was about. But there was thought, and then there was the recognition that that's not me. That's thought.

And this that woke up, this that was awake, had nothing to do with that thought whatsoever. It was just happening. The two were completely separate. There was zero identity in the thought.

And so after a few minutes, I got up. And I literally had these five-year-old ideas in my head. Very curious. I thought, I wonder if I'm the stove. And so I trotted out to the little living-room area and kitchen area and sure enough, this was the stove. And I trotted into the bathroom and looked at the toilet, because I was trying to look for something that was really unspiritual and I thought, I'll be damned, this was the toilet. And I opened the bedroom door and looked in and Annie, my wife, was sleeping, and I went: it's her. This is her, and it's the same.

And I walked around our little 450-square-foot cottage that we lived in for six-and-a-half years, and I looked around this cottage and everything was this, everything was the same.

So I'm just standing there in the cottage and interestingly there was no emotion. There was no yippee or oh my god. That was totally absent. Everything was seen totally clearly and not mistake with any state of experience, because there wasn't any state happening. And then walked a few steps in the living room, because the living room was only a few steps long. And in those few steps, consciousness completely woke up. This is a hard thing to describe but it was completely, completely separate from the body.

And at that point, that's when I saw this string of images and immediately I knew, this that was awake knew immediately that I had been trapped in those images, what we might call incarnations. I thought those were me. I was asleep in those images, and it was so clear that this was not those. It wasn't trapped in those anymore. It wasn't confined to any of those forms including the current form. And I could see the current form was no more significant or real than a form fifty life-times ago. And there it was, just this awakeness, completely only itself. No form, no shape, no color, no nothing. No location but everywhere.

And at that moment there was a knowing that even though this awakeness was everything, this awakeness was also beyond being everything. That if this thing totally disappeared, all the forms and everything that I saw, if it all disappeared this would not diminish any, not even a teeny bit. It couldn't diminish. So that was pretty much the awakening.

With this also came a sense of being bigger and outside the body, that the body was happening within that awakeness or spirit. The body was in it rather than I was in the body. And then in the midst of that, this awakeness or consciousness also came back into the body. It was still outside, but now it was both outside and inside. It didn't just stay outside, it took occupancy again, but it took occupancy without confusion this time, without any identification. It was like putting on clothes in the morning; you just put on clothes. You don't think that you are your clothes; they're just something you wear. And it was just so clear that this form, that this particular personality, this guy formally known as Stephen Gray, that this was clothing.

This is his current incarnation, this thing that he is going to wear and function through. And the nice thing was the joy that came with it. Such a joy with the clothing, with the incarnation. With the personality there was such an intimacy and such absolute childlike joy. Almost like a young girl who puts on a Cinderella dress and looks in the mirror and feels, "Wow, this is so cool!" And there was just that sense of the amazement of form.

And then the last thing was I took another step, and it was like the first step I’d ever taken in my life. It felt like I'd just come out of the womb. It felt like being a baby who had just put his foot on the ground for the first time in his whole life.

And I literally looked down at my feet and just walked in circles because it was like a miracle - the feeling of the foot on the floor and walking and it was the feeling that to put my feet on the floor is a miracle, an absolute miracle. And every step was the first step. Everything was new and everything had this sense of intimacy and wonder and appreciation.

So for me, all of these things happened in quick succession to each other. The waking up out of the form and occupying form and the oneness with the form and the appreciation and realizing I'm not form. It was like everything was good. I didn't have to be outside the body; I didn't have to be beyond anything because everything was this.

I just knew at that time that this is a miracle: this life, this body. This is heaven, as messy as it is, as silly as it is, as wonderful and terrible as it is. This is, you know, the great joke. Walking in god’s hand looking for god.

That was it. It was actually very simple. Very, very simple. And what also came out of this was an enjoyment of the ordinary. There was no longer anything extraordinary that needed to happen-extraordinary experiences didn't need to happen, just an enjoyment of the ordinary. I could be talking about so-called truth or spiritual stuff or I could be talking to someone about football or groceries... all of a sudden it just didn't matter anymore.

And still to this day, I often tell people-they often don't believe me-but I say, "To me doing satsang and talking about just about anything are about equal."

The ordinary became totally satisfying. Of course it's very satisfying to see someone awaken or even to see him or her transform a bit. That is a kind of highlight, but there's just a love of the ordinary and to me that's one of the most beautiful things-that nothing extraordinary needs to happen in my life anymore. Just existing is a sort of a miracle.

TS: Adya. you call this : "final awakening," but what if you have additional awakenings in the decades to come that reveal an ever-deeper dimension of realization? Do you think this is possible?

Adya: I'm glad you brought that up. I call it final for a particular reason. When I say "final," I don't mean necessarily that another awakening can't happen. Of course it can. Who knows? Right? We never know. This is infinite after all.

But what I mean when I say final is that with this awakening;

I realized what I am in a totally clear way. It was realized without any emotion in a totally pure state.There was no energy to it. There was no elation.

And when I say final, I mean I saw it clearly. There wasn't anything that was being sought anymore; there wasn't another question left to be answered spiritually. 

So I call it final because it felt like a line of demarcation where a certain life and a certain journey took me to that point, and once I stepped beyond that place, it wasn't at all like it had been before. That journey in the way I had engaged it was very obviously and very cleanly finished. It was done. And it never was going to come back. And to me that's what I mean by final. Does that mean that there is not something else to see? There's always something else to see.

TS: You said that at twenty-five with you first awakening you realized that what you were seeking was you, but that you still had a question, " What is this?"

Adya: What is this? Yeah.

TS: So what did you discover in your final awakening?

Adya: That's a good question (laughs). I'll do my best, but it's an impossible question to answer.

TS: But you're not asking the question anymore.

Adya: No, the Funny thing is the answer to the question is that the question disappears. That's the answer to the question. It's not like you get a nice answer that you can put in your pocket.

TS: You can't say love and wisdom or something like that?

Adya: No, no. It's way before love and wisdom. It's the place love and wisdom come from. It's paradoxical but the more we know ourselves, the more we know what we are, the more we know that what we are is something that by its very nature can never be known. So you and I, we are the unknown, and since the unknown is the unknown it can't be known, not because there's any deficiency, but because the unknown by its very definition is the unknown.

So in Buddhism they might call it emptiness or the void or shunyata. In some sects of Judaism, it was traditionally thought of as a heresy to even mention the word of god in any form. And I think these kinds of directives come from this experience that is paradoxical-you know what you are but you know that you are a mystery.

You see we can't call it anything. 

We can't say anything about pure potential. There's nothing to know. We can only know something when potential has manifest and become something. But before that, it's pure potential. It's pure emptiness or pure intelligence or whatever you want to call it.

To me that's the paradox-l've come to know what I am, but now I know that I am that which can never be known, because that's its nature. And so the funny thing is that you in a way almost end up where you started. You start out not knowing who you are or what the ultimate reality is. The difference is you end up knowing that you are what you can never  know. 

So the mystery becomes conscious, it wakes up to itself. It knows itself, it's the "l AM" as it says in the bible. But there's no definition you notice; it's just "I AM." That's the mystery declaring itself. That's it.

TS: One of the interesting stories I've heard is that you didn't tell your Zen teacher about your second awakening until three months after it happened. That seems odd to me.

Adya: There just didn't seem to be any reason. It had such a sense of completeness. In one sense, it was extraordinary, but it also felt very ordinary. It didn't feel like something I needed to run off and tell someone. I didn't feel like I needed it confirmed. I didn't need for it to be heard. I didn't need someone to understand. It was the dropping away of all of those psychological needs.

And the only reason I actually told my teacher is that after about three months I reflected and I thought, oh, this is what she's been talking to me about for fifteen years and why she's putting so much of her heart and compassion into my process. I thought it might be nice for her to know. That's where the impetus to tell her came from.

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